Hello everyone.
If my blog was a real person, I would have been the worst bestfriend she had. 
Coming once in a blue moon, especially in 2023.

Aku pikir quarter life crisis and adulthood akan semakin 'ringan' di setiap bertambahnya usia.
Jokes on me. 
Like who am I kidding.
IT DOESN'T. 
Life in fact gets a lot more complex, with a lot more sides and flavors to it,
and clearly all the strings attached. ahahahah

I was texting Mama Laura, telling how I feel lonely after 6 months living alone in Jakarta.
While on the other hand, I don't really like crashing for too long at a relative's or a friend's, and coming home to Medan is only great for a maximum of 2 weeks (IYKYK) ahahahhaha

Additionally, at this age, some of my friends already in a marriage, some with kid(s), some are doing schools, overall doing their own lives with their own struggles and hustles. 

So it does get lonely from time to time.

Ditambah lagi, aku dengan kepribadian yang ga suka dan ga nyaman untuk cerita sama orang, dan very selective on personal plans and aspirations.

Akhir-akhir ini aku sadar, part of it karna aku sadar our society doesn't really confirm 'diversity of life choices', when many of my life choices have been if not unconventional, questionable.. ahahahahah

Kayak kalau aku boleh bilang ke temen-temen yang sebenernya aku deket tapi aku ga pernah cerita apa-apa kecuali kalau ditanya atau aku ngerasa kondisnya nyaman untuk bercerita:

"It's not you, it's me and my trauma of having to be belittled or questioned for my choices" 

So, don't take it personally. 

I guess hal yang aku suka dengan 'bertambahnya usia' adalah penerimaan dan pengenalan akan diri yang jauh lebih baik, di samping melihat hidup dari lebih banyak sisi.
Other than of course 'the lesser piece of mind' I give for many things ahahhahaha.

High-school and college-year Gladys would think 2023 Gladys is a badass for this. 
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA
All the overthinking and overplanning sides of VIRGO, with the traits of first-born daughter from a Batak family that doesn't have any boy.
So yeah, no wonder ahahahaha.

I'm planning to have a blog series on 2023 kaleidoscope.
Not that my 2023 has been all flowers and butterfly, but it's been one of the most life-changing period.
So, until the next post my dear bloggie-bestie,
Good night.

G

Not so much like Carrie and The City

Dear my long abandoned blog,

I've missed writing so much.

Life has been crazy, especially these past eight months, a.k.a 2023 is indeed one crazy year.

Since I last wrote one year ago, so many things have changed.

1. I've made up my mind on the specialty I'm pursuing for life.

Dang, even writing it feels like a big thing, just because I know that is another life-long commitment I'm making.

2. I've left Sumba and resigned from the Sumba Foundation.

Although I'm still actively involved in the collaboration research on neglected skin diseases and leprosy, it was one of the big decisions I made for myself.

It was just a point where I already knew I had reached the goals I set for myself when I first joined SF, which were self-development, leadership, and management skills, and that there was no next step career-wise for me there since I was the Medical Supervisor, the highest position for a doctor in SF.

But SF will always have a special place in my heart, and if I come back to Sumba one day, I will make sure I also involve SF, at least for the health worker staff knowledge and skill development. ahahhahahaha...simply because I enjoy training others so much, I enjoy helping people build up their capacity and, with that, also improve the system.

3. My family went through Cia's ruptured appendicitis, laparotomy, three months of stoma care, and finally, a stoma closure operation.

Simply put this was one of the experiences that thought us a lot; especially for Cia, my only-one and little sister, and me as a healthcare provider and at the same time as a patient's family member.

4. I moved to Jakarta and started working for the International Pediatric Association (IPA).
This one is way beyond what I ever thought for myself.

Firstly, because, even since I was still in high school, I've always told Mom that 1. I will not build my career or family in Medan, 2. And I know Jakarta is not a place I want for that either.

Secondly, my current job is 180 degrees from what I did at the Sumba Foundation.

Back in Sumba, 80% of my job is hands-on, field-trip, very practical work: home visiting my patients, teaching the nurses, handling medicine and other supplies, and the 20% is managerial, reporting, and coordinating with the consultants.

In IPA, all of my work is behind-the-screen work; at a glimpse, people may deem it easy, but it is unpredictable, and it put me in a position to better my formal English writing skills..ahahahahah..

This is so random, but last year, I did my IELTS test, bearing in mind I will use the certificate for scholarship application. At that time, we (my mom and I) thought I'd be doing a master's first, then pursue a specialty afterward. So, I did the IELTS without any dedicated preparation because I was caught up with all my work at the Sumba Foundation. And it turned out that my lowest score was in writing ahahahhaha.

And now, I look at my job, and every time I type the words "with due respect', "hence," "therefore," and "however," I just laugh to myself and think, "God, You have a great sense of humor! Thanks for giving me this very position to improve my skill, though." 😀😂    

On the other hand, my IELTS test is one of the experiences that taught me about 'actively preparing for what I pray for or have faith for.'

At that time, I had this belief that "I'm gonna take the IELTS test because I wanna pursue higher education." And I always tell everyone that, "Whichever comes first, either master scholarship or specialist scholarship, I'm gonna use the IELTS certificate for it."

I took the test in July last year in Jakarta because I was trying to find the available test date closest to Nabila's wedding. And on 28th November last year, the government announced its specialist program scholarship. I even took a few days to think through if I wanted to give it a try no matter what the result would be since I knew the kind of job I chose as a general doctor was not a common one for doctors in Indonesia. I thought they must be looking for an experienced 'hospital-based clinician.' 

Well, it turned out I got it.

Despite all my self-doubts and even more, despite what I perceived as a perilous yet memorable interview moment, which I thought was gonna disqualify me.

5. Not so much like Carrie Bradshaw in NYC
I love watching Carrie Bradshaw and Sex and The City, for the fashion and also because the idea of New York always appeals to me, especially the Times Square lights at night. 

I figured after almost three months of working and living in Jakarta, living alone in Jakarta is so much different than all my past experiences living alone, and I have lived by myself for nine years ahahahhaaaaaahahh..

If I could mention some points:

• I just spent 2.5 years living in Sumba, where I don't see much social discrepancy. I told this to my closest; one of my culture shock moving from Sumba to Jakarta was seeing a kid from the area begging while I was buying my juice.
  People may think, "WHY IS THAT A CULTURE SHOCK?!"
  I spent 2,5 years living in Sumba, where I never experienced that, where everyone just kinda dresses the same, and especially because every care in Sumba Foundation is free, so any patient coming with any attire, whether they had taken a shower or not, whether they're dirty or well-put, my service and how I treat them is all the same.
  Compared to a very 'what-somebody's-wearing' city like Jakarta.
  
  
• I had lived in Padang while I was doing med school. I also lived in Sumba for an internship and Sumba Foundation. But living alone in Jakarta is so much different, in a sense that it is levels higher than past experiences. This is because when I was in Padang, my challenge was the cultural difference, but financially, I was supported by my parents. Then, when I was in Sumba for my internship, even though I was already on my own financially, housing was provided, which cut a lot from the budget. Moreover, when I was in the Sumba Foundation, housing, 3-times-a-day meals, transportation and gas money, and even my quarterly leave accommodation were all provided. So, all my earning is for secondary needs and investment.
  
  

Now, in Jakarta, I started everything from the very beginning without all of the above. ahahahhah 

I realized how hard it is to build yourself, especially in Jakarta. 

But I LOVE THIS EXPERIENCE.

I always mentioned that I am grateful for going through this while still single.

It made me so much more financially cautious.

It made me understand and accept that growing up really can be lonely from time to time, and that is normal.

And I am proud of myself for being brave enough to make all these decisions.

Mom once said on a phone call.

"Kalau kau memang pemberani, Dys. Kau bakal ngenal daerahmu. Kalau aku ga bakal kayak gitu, walau aku udah pernah tinggal sendiri di luar." 

And I laughed at that because it's true.

 

6. Things do change when you're a grown-up

I love eating everything, especially sweets.

I was never in a situation where I had to cook for myself, so I never really had the 'confidence' to present my cooking to other people.

But being in Jakarta and knowing that buying food can cost an arm and leg ahahahhaha, I have to cook. I bought my own fridge and electric pan, and to my surprise,

IT'S BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO NOW.

I will look at easy recipes with limited cooking space and ingredients.

I will save the cooking videos.

And I LOVE SALADS NOW.

I've done a lot of moving in the last five months, moving from Sumba to Medan moving to 3 different rooms at the hospital for my sister's second operation. Moving from Medan to Jakarta for one week, staying at a relative's house, to moving to my first 'kosan' (because 'apartment' is way too good of a word to explain a rent room), then moving to a second one because the first one doesn't have a parking spot, and just recently moving to another room at the second kosan. 

And even crazier, I'm moving to my family's house next month.

JUST A LOT OF MOVING.

But, ever since all this, living by myself and by my own means, I love to decorate my space.

After completing the pros and cons, I choose to live in my own house, for I have more space, I can cook decently there, and one thing I am most excited about is I CAN NOT WAIT TO DECORATE MY OWN ROOM!

I've already planned to paint the wall medium grey with a white accent, having a white frame standing mirror and hanging closets for all my daily attire.

And also, I can't wait to bake. I wanna bake banana bread (because it is my love).

Plan to make my own salads, fruits bowls, and whatever recipe I wanna try.

I am very excited to shop at the market, buying some chicken, fish, and veggies. ughhh
It just sounds so fun to me.

SEE!!

Nadrah and I mentioned that all of this behavior shift is a sign that we are GETTING OLDER.

Our favorite pastime now is all home or self-development-related.

AHAHHAHHAHA

But I love it so much, partly because I know I had my share of crazy early 20s and am now in my late 20s with a more settled mindset, principles, and even groups of friends.

So that's all

It's one of my longest posts, but I feel so relieved I finally got back to writing again.

Enjoy life, everyone!  

    

leaving Sumba and my two fave people in Sumba 

Cia's very first eat-out after her laparotomy and it was her birthday :')

just my thing, annoying Cia :)

a lot of driving her around for doctors' appoitments

when she was admitted for a stoma closure

some archieves from my trip to Sabang

very first bouldering experience

that one friend 😒

and above all these plot twists, I took Bahasa Batak course in Jakarta, out of all the places 😂

life is indeed full of surprise

-G

A different kind of feeling

Maria : "Aku tadi ngerasa kehangatan di hati aku, Bor?"
Me : "Gimana Bor?"
Maria : "Kak Tina bilang 'Kau udah masuk tahap HEBAT, Mar, tahan di Kodi sejauh ini."

Working in a NGO is clearly not butterflies and rainbows...ahhhahahaha..
It's not for everyone, that's one thing for sure.
Maria and I have always talked about this that if people think any doctor working for Sumba Foundation solely for the money, that couldn't be any further away from the truth.

On one occasion a governmental rep came to visit us and said,
"Yang di swasta aja bisa tinggal di klinik, kenapa yang kerja sama pemerintah ga bisa, ya kan?"

And to that, I'm pretty sure Maria and I have the same thought but we just bit our tongues.
ahahahahhahahah

And I'm more than grateful to have such supportive nuclear family, best friends, and Maria, especially.
Having a friend I've known before working here gives a sense of comfort in the middle of keeping things professional, knowing where to draw the line between being 'friendly' and at the same time a firm supervisor to a team mostly filled with people older than me and have been working here years before I came in the picture.

So yeah, it's my 10th month working here, almost 1 year in Sumba Foundation, and almost 2 years in Sumba.
1 year that can be a time to decide where I would take the next journey.
But just like all the things that I decided in the past, I will always keep things only to myself and my most trustworthy inner circle.

Maria : "Bor, aku mau peluk kau."
Me : "ahahhahaha... sini, Bor."

Me : "Kenapa kamu yakin sama aku? Gimana kalau aku ngecewain kamu?"
Him : "Ga tau. Ya aku yakin aja. Jangan mikir gitu. Gimana kalau aku yang ngecewain kamu malahan di depannya? Kan ga ada yang tahu."

 having an outsider complementing you feels good, but someone you replace for,or somone who knows exactly what you're doing, complementing you is a head in the clouds moment, or in Maria's words "kehangatan di hatiku" :)

honestly, sisa 6 bulan di 2022,
udah banyak banget yang udah terlewati,
both my personal and professional life.

Blajar lepra, blajar ngelakuin Skin Slit Smear, ngelakuin skin biopsy, bikin panduan mini klinik tentang pengobatan lepra, bikin form initial assessment dan follow-up sampai hanya lihat pasien dari wajahnya yang ketutupan masker bisa yakin 80% ini lepra, persiapan dan peresmian klinik baru, kerja sama dengan peneliti internasional tentang social science yang mirip banget sama skripsi aku, bantu banyak anak-anak special case, blajar orthopedi, blajar rehabilitasi medik, dan yang enggak masuk mata kuliah di kampus belajar ilmu komunikasi, belajar ilmu kepemimpinan.

I actually find kepribadian aku yang introverted by only 4% (ahahahahha) and the fact that I spent 6 years in Padang help me a lot on how to draw the line, how to communicate in work situation.

Bener sih, kita ga pernah tahu kenapa satu hal harus terjadi kayak gitu, tapi emang semuanya udah dirancang sedemikian rupa untuk kebaikan kita.

And one of my most FAQ yang aku juga ga sabar ngelihat jawabannya di masa depan :
"Kamu ga mau jadi spesialis?"
"Mau."
"Terus kenapa milih kerja di sana?"
.....

And to that my answer will always be a smile or 'karena itu jalannya".

Kenapa ya aku suka, karena from time and time again tiap ketemu kata-kata yang sifatnya kayak gitu, ke depannya yang terjadi jauh berebeda dari itu, karena 'ga ada yang tahu jalan hidup orang'.
And I love that kind of surprises, divine surprises, ones that no one can say it wasn't God.

Take my time

"Take your time, Gladys.
  You're still young.
  Don't rush anything. 
  Ask yourself what you really wanna do in life, what you see yourself doing in the next 10 years.
  Find the information you need, spend more time to cave in and have a taste of everything.
  Really use your gut feeling.
  We'll talk about this in 2 months." 

I thought quarter-life crisis had already passed when last year I had to decide what I was gonna do after internship.
Then it's almost one year of me working as a fully independent GP, I am facing the same situation. 

You know what they say about paradox of choice, when you have more options, rather than feeling happy that you'll get what you want, instead you feel more perplexed and stressed in making the call, compared to when you only have fewer choices.

Now, that's exactly what I'm feeling.
My inner circle is very supportive to anything that I choose.
I am not bound to anything or anyone, not in sense that I have this obligation to stick to anything or else I'll have some kind of penalty.

But after that talk with Claus, I realized one thing that may help my 'taking-time' process, that is 

" I wanna do something that not only gives me the oppurtunity to provide for myslef and people I care for, but also gives me a sense of fulfillment, in my case as a doctor, a sense when I know my knowledge and skill really bring improvements, really help, even more change someone life for the better."

I know this sounds too f*ing cliche.
But honestly, practising medicine never felt this fulfilling before I'm in Sumba Foundation. 
Knowing even as a GP you could do so much more than what your 'salary' can give you, it's something I'd love to continue experiencing and doing.

And even though I still don't know the exact answers to Claus,
but now I know what's my guidance, what it is that I wanna do in the next 10 years.

So, yeah.
I'm blessed beyond measure to have a 'boss' that most of the times, I consider as mentor.
All the crying-at-night because I felt I was not good enough, missing my family and friends in the cities, feeling drained after such hectic days, having to travel to so many remote areas by motorcycle,
they are all worth the life experieces no amount of money can give me, that feeling when you know you make good use of your time, your knowledge, your life.

till the next post,
I'mma take my time to have a taste of everything.
💫 

btw, has a taste of something new this week when I broke my left middle toe. 👍😎

 

N A S A

I feel like I'm in the mood for ranting...
in the middle of all my paper works...ahahahah...why am I the most productive when I'm on a lot of deadlines?!

These last past couple of months, probably since September, I was pretty much in a situation where I was kinda searching for something.
And the universe kinda gets the memo and kept sending me 'things'.
Now, this young lady, as smarty-pant and nerdy as she can be, tetep aja dudul dalam beberapa hal.
So she got to learn some things from all that's been happening but also got herself 'hurt' in the middle.
ahahaah

Things I learn these last 5 months :

1. Real friendship is where we not only sweet talk when our friends feeling down, but ones that call out on your friends when she/he makes mistakes or makes decisions that you know will hurt 'em in the end or are not good for them. One that challanges and supports your growth as the individual that you are.

2. Some things I learnt from these people, whether we're still in contact or not, I'm gonna take these lessons :

G : that loving someone means accepting them wholly, including their past, the bad, good, wonderful, nasty past that made them who they are today.

Y : that marrying someone is not because they're a good cook, or they're good in bed, or they're good with kids. Let me put it how he said it :

"Kamu tu punya 24 jam per hari, Dys. Anggap 8 jam kamu habisin untuk kerja, 8 jam lagi untuk istirahat, dan kamu punya sisa 8 jam lagi. Memangnya 8 jam itu mau kamu habisin di kamar terus, atau masak terus, atau ngurus anak terus? Enggak kan?! Kebanyakan dari 8 jam itu, kamu cuman ngabisin cerita. Jadi, menikahlah sama orang yang kamu nyaman cerita sama dia."

 

aku cuman terdiam waktu dia bilang gitu.

P : for being a condiment I never saw coming, but spiced up my life, that I got teary, ahahahah. And ugh, for making me see that when a man loves you, he accepts and appreciates your dreams and aspirations, not looking down on them, nor questioning them. That 'providing' for the family is a man's main part, and it's never wrong to ask for 'provision'. That sometimes, a different background is really fun for both parties, although you both gotta translate some work-related things to each other.
And for once again giving me the chance to prove the kind of lady that I am, in a situation where I have to choose between what's right and what's desired.

3. Ask and you will receive.

I was always the type of girlfriend who wouldn't want to 'burden' my partner to pay for my meals or anything.
But now I see, me working and getting my shits together,
I feel like saying "So tell me boy what are you bringing to the table?"
If they're only 'feelings' and confusion, without commitment, real goals, and tangible evidences (a.k.a the material things), than I better sit by myself until someone comes to table with 'em.

4. Taking pesan Bapak not just to heart but also action now.

I remember when I was preparing for UKMPPD, Bapak sat down on the dining table with me and Cia, and he said :

"Kakak, nanti kalau udah kerja, jangan buru-buru lansung nikah. 
Nikmati dulu uang kakak.
Pergi jalan-jalan, beli baju kakak, bedak kakak."

It's not that when I was doing my internship I didn't use my money for my own pleasures.
But sure, it feels different now, having your own money with different title and 'real' responsibility.
It feels gratifying, knowing that the money you make is from a toil and that your work actually brings impacts on other people's lives.

5. Live my live fully HERE and NOW.

This year's 'word of the year' from Transformation Church is not a word, but a phrase,
"HERE IS HOLY".

Well, I just found that out like last week.
What a coincidence, when I have been thinking and feeling that I hadn't been living fully my 'here' and 'now'.
Like because I was on my search for something, I forgot that what's in front of me now is no regular thing, that I should tend and take care of my now better.

Like as an OG overthinker and planner, thinking about the future always excites that Virgo side of me.
But, gotta learn how to enjoy now and make the best out of it.

I guess that's all...
Gotta get back to my paper works, for I wanna spend my weekend with Oli 'paper-work free".
We 'bout to have deep therapy session, both of us...ahahahahah

"Kasih tau aku kalau kamu udah siap buka hati. 

Bahkan kalau kamu siap bukanya buat orang lain."

- for showing me that love means patience

Slow sunday morning

I guess I get to the point of accepting the fact that I don't know a lot of things about myself.
Thought I wouldn't, but then I did.
Thought I'll be okay, and it wouldn't mean much, but it did and I'm not okay.

but, basic rules apply.
I will never do something my heart knows is doing other people harm, even if they don't know it.
and no matter how painful and hard it gets, I will never be the first to tell how I feel.
not sure if it's my ego or it's a deffense mechanism from more pain.

ga enak banget.
ga bisa ngomong.
dan kalau diomongin, pain, confusion, and disappoitment are unavoidable.

all because of this ramen, which I never had till the end...
I wish I didn't ask for a way home.

Walking Contradiction

It's been 2 months since I last posted anything, and it's also been 2 months of me working as the medical supervisor in Sumba Foundation.

It still feels surreal to say it out loud, since never once did it cross my mind to work in a NGO, never once did I plan to work in Sumba, even for my internship.
Especially when on 1st day of 2021, I got covid and some personal issues, I remembered not looking forward to anything in this year.
Little did I know, 2021 would bring so many surprises, new people, and also new experiences.

Well, I can't mention one by one what's been going on these past 2 months.
But, some snippets :

 

"Bahagia itu kita yang rasa, Ibu. Jadi terserah orang mau bilang apa, selama kita tidak ganggu kehidupan mereka, ya jalani saja. Saya tidak ganggu ko punya urusan, jangan ganggu saya punya."

~ Then I was put in silence after hearing that, for an overthinker like me, that was a brave statement to take.

"Dapat aku kau di sana? Bukannya di sana sama aja kayak dokter puskesmas? Nanti ga mau jadi klinisi?"

~ ...

"Berat banget, Mam. Ngerasa dijadiin orang jahat saat yang kau lakukan bener-bener buat orang lain, cuman gara-gara kau kerjanya di swasta."

"Kalau kau ga bahagia, resign aja. Di mana aja kau kerja, pasti kayak gitu. Apalagi kau kerja di swasta. Jangan pikir kau kerja untuk nolong orang lain. Pikirkan kau kerja untuk dirimu sendiri, semua yang kau kerjakan itu untuk dirimu."

~ When you meant to vent and complain to your too-rational, problem-solving Mom.
When all you needed was actually accepting ears and some reassurance, ahahahahahah.

Dang! I finished my freaking coass saat masalah personal aku jadi konsumsi publik, saat omongan yang ga benar tentang aku disebar, saat all I wanted to do was leaving all of it behind.
I was the MVP of those years, not gonna let that title got wasted on this one.
I'm not backing off, not until I got what's meant for me. Be it pengalaman untuk bisa punya lembaga aku sendiri natinya, be it koneksi sama peneliti-peneliti dari luar, be it SMB. Apa aja yang emang Bapa simpan buat aku di Sumba.

~

A friend : "Kenapa kamu mau nikah cepat?"
Me : "Memangnya mau tunggu apa lagi?"

~

"Aku lagi di masa yang aku sendiri ga ngerti. Kenapa saat aku makin bulat mau nikah, makin banyak yang datang di kehidupan aku, yang ada-ada aja. Kayak bener-bener makin deket ke akhir tahun, makin ada-ada aja. Jadi aku ga ngerti. Satu sisi aku tau aku mau nikah. Satu sisi aku capek lihat yang datang ada-ada aja."

~

"Ya, emang belum waktunya aja. Kita dua sama-sama punya sesuatu yang kita harapkan, aku 4 tahun, kamu 3 tahun. Emang belum waktunya aja."

~

"Tebak aku buatin apa."

~